#couldn't bring myself to eat anymore because i just. cant

[forgotten-daydreamer]

"have you eaten?" "yes" i said, like a liar

[astroceans]

11.02.22

i dont know how to stop it. the thoughts the memories. i thought that maybe when you decided it would all stop. contrary, they wont stop. im stuck thinking about the last 6 months and the times i could of been better and done better. the times where i should of stayed quiet where i should have loved you more. theres no benefit in thinking it though. i know you've made up your mind. and when i called you out i didn't think you would leave. i thought you'd stay like you had before. i thought you would fight more or maybe even just try. but this time you didn't. you left, you moved on. and now i think where i went wrong and if i could just been different. that if maybe i wasn't so messed up you would of stayed. maybe if i was less sad less me you wouldn't leave. but its ok. i know she is kind and she is beautiful. she is loved and taken care of. she can love you. and i know you deserve who takes away all the lies and brings you hope, poetry, and most importantly coffee. if i could talk to her, i would tell her this. his birhtday is january 10. hes actually not a typical capricorn but that might be because his mother is a cancer. hes emotional. he is kind. he is thoughtful. his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. hes a great gift giver. he has the biggest heart. hes easily influenced. gym is his therapy. he loves his family especially his sister and his mom. hes actually a feminist. hes a clean person. his alcohol tolerance is suprsisngly high. he likes to party and have fun. but more importantly i think he likes to stay in and do nothing. his favorite color is blue but he looks great in orange. his favorite artist is j balvin. and his music taste is impeccable. hes cannot park if his life depended on it but hes a great driver. he has a sweet tooth and probably the reason he has so many cavities. his favorite sweet is donuts, coming in second gummies. his grandpa is his biggest inspiration. and like many people, he's been hurt too many times especially by me. he has the worst anxiety and overthinks too much. his best friend committed suicide and his cousin was close to. he needs reassurance and lots of love. overall, i think he's the only person who has fought for me and for our relationship something i couldn't understand and maybe why i can't let it go. 

i know you deserve more than i could ever give you. you deserve an easy love with someone who doesn't have so many layers to cut through. someone with less complications and more love to give. in fact someone who isn't afraid to be loved. i know my thoughts wont leave because i live with regret, i live with sadness. i know i'll have to live without you and live with the thought that i failed you. and more importantly that given the choice, you wouldn't choose me anymore. that i am no longer the girl you want to be with and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with . i am not the first thought in your mind and i am not the last one either. you have simply moved and found arms to come home to. and i am stuck being the sad story. the girl who cannot love and be loved. and maybe thats what kills me the most. you get to move on and i cannot even find myself talking to another person without crying. i cannot listen to music without breaking down. i cant eat without feeling guilty. that i've lost myself throughtout everything and it took you a week to move on. i'd like to ask you how you did it but i fear that when i hear your voice i would lose my breathe. i have no hope for life. and i find no pleasure in it. i live day by day hoping one day i feel less sad but its been a month and a half and i still can't listen to our song. i know its not your fault but how cannot it not be? when i told you this you didnt seem to care and you chose to move on. im so tired of crying and the sleepless nights. the calling out of work. the torturing myself at the gym. the breaking down every time i go out with my friends. you're the punchline to all my jokes and the topic of conversation when it comes to gossip. you're the theme of all my spotify playlists and the inspiration behind my new hair color. youre my excuse when my parents ask me why i can't be more active in church and the reason i dont text back any guy. the reason i've started smoking again. i dont want to love you anymore. but im sorry i love you.

[khaire-traveler]

Okay so a few days ago, I called Lord apollo and Lady aphrodite and I asked them to answer through a candle (I've never talked to them before) so I asked them, can I worship yall, and they weren't even there. They weren't there at all. I told them "please turn the candle off if I cant" and they didn't. Then I told them "give me a sign you're here" and there was nothing. I felt pretty ignored man 😭💀 so I've been looking for a God that fits me a bit better but apparently it's just not for me. I just don't know anymore. Like did they ignore me or whats going on here. I also did it separately. 2 a 3 times. They just didn't do anything.

Hey, Nonny!

It sounds like you're very distressed. I'm not sure if you've got a lot going on outside of this, but typically, when we're really distressed, it makes it much harder to sense energies and communicate with deities. I even find myself struggling with divination when I'm not feeling well mentally or emotionally. So, with that as a start, take time to ground yourself before addressing this problem. Sit with yourself, and focus on your breathing. In, pause, out, pause, etc. Try doing something that relaxes you or brings you comfort. Remind yourself that you're going to be ok.

Alright, next thing: how do you know for certain they weren't there? Personally, I've never met a single person who can confirm - with proof - 100% of the time whether or not a deity is present. I emphasize this because it sounds to me like you're assuming this information. Maybe the candles did not react to what you were saying, and that made you believe they weren't there, but it could be that they didn't want to communicate in that form, were busy, or even that you weren't interpreting the flame correctly (not trying to sound mean about that, but mistakes do happen). I promise that even if they didn't respond, that doesn't automatically mean they hate or dislike you. It doesn't mean they're ignoring you or that they've abandoned you. If you text a friend and they don't reply immediately, it's not because they suddenly don't want to talk to you anymore; they're probably busy, away from their device, eating dinner, or whatever else they may have going on.

My point here being that it seems you're getting stuck in your head with this issue. You seem pretty upset about this, but in all honesty, this kind of thing happens to every worshipper once in awhile. There was a period of time where I couldn't feel Apollo's presence for about a week. I was anxious and afraid that I did something wrong, but after that week, he was there as if nothing had happened. Through divination, I found out that he had been a bit busy and took a step back while he dealt with whatever needed his attention. I promise you that it's probably not as intense as you're thinking it is. I've genuinely even had situations where I've asked for signs and did not receive one, but when I communicated with the deity later, they gave me a direct answer to my inquiry.

Things do go wrong within our practices. We make mistakes, things don't turn out the way we expect them to, a deity seemingly doesn't answer a prayer, etc. But mishaps and disappointments happen in every aspect of life. Nothing is going to be 100% perfect, and that's ok. This applies to deity communication as well. Sometimes we need to try new forms of divination because one we thought was working isn't actually. Maybe you should try switching things up a bit. Cartomancy is a pretty common one I hear about, next to tarot. Try something new, and see if it helps.

I hope this gave you an answer to your situation. I'm sorry if anything came across as harsh; that was definitely not my intention, but it's really difficult to word things correctly over text. Tone is impossible to convey sometimes. Know that you have my support, Nonny, and know that it's going to be ok. If you truly don't feel a connection with Aphrodite or Apollo, you'll find a deity that you can connect better with. Take your time, and remember to ground yourself throughout the process. You're going to be ok, and it'll all work out. Take care, and have a good day/night. 🧡🫂

[glittergutts]

I've been having a stressful morning. And I need to process my thoughts about preparing for treatment.

First we couldn't figure out the money to get all the stuff I need to take to treatment and I had a cry about feeling like I shouldn't even go. I didn't know all my vitamins and supplements had to be unopened until the other day and it cost a lot to buy all at once.

Figured it out with the last of our available credit and my supplements and stuff should be here tomorrow and Sunday just in time for me to leave Monday morning.

Loki is extra whiney today. Like he won't chill out and I want to yell because I do not understand what he wants. I wish he would lay down and let me rub him when I'm sad. He refuses to be comforting.

My anxiety started getting really bad when I was on the phone with my mom and she was slamming me with question after question. She's always like that but today I couldn't handle it. She's asking things I can't answer and reminding me how out of control even my best plan is.

So after awhile I took the anxiety pill and convinced myself to get out of bed. I found some pretzels that looked pretty plain and a Gatorade and even though I barely had any of either I feel uncomfortably full. I think all the days of skipping food has started to really hurt my body.

I got the okay to bring ensure drinks to treatment but I'm not even sure if I like them I just have to have the calories in a drink (because i cant fucking eat 360 calories at once) so I can take my latuda and I normally drink a Chai protein thing at home. I'm going to ask Chris to bring home a few flavors I can try so I can figure out which type to buy.

The food at treatment is close to nothing. They do cook dinners but it's always meat or something I don't eat so I have to fend for myself the whole stay. Once I lived off orange cups and plain Oatmeal for 12 days. I was so happy to eat again when I discharged.

I hope it's better this time I wish I was allowed to just bring my own food but I understand why they don't allow that.

I need to wash all my laundry today so I can figure out what clothes I'm bringing and get my bag ready. I'm waiting on a night gown from Amazon. I don't want to sleep in a big tee shirt there like I do at home because it doesn't feel safe and private to be pantsless. I bought a nice pair of sleep shorts when I went a few years ago and I'm going to bring those again and I think having 2 sleep outfits should be fine as long a I don't have sweat nightmares. They have laundry there if I do need to wash anything.

Also because of covid the rooms aren't shared anymore so I have the privacy to use the bathroom or change or sleep in my room whenever I want to. Hell I can take a shower at 3 am and nobody would stop me. Although I'll be trying to sleep and behave like the functional person I want to be. It's just a relieving idea to have some space and freedom.

I'm desperately hoping having the time to focus on my needs and health will let me leave a little better of a person or at be able to take better care of myself and family. I'm tired of letting myself down.

I found some nice skincare things in mini containers I can bring with that will make shower time a little more enjoyable. I have some fidget toys in a bag and some art supplies with a folder that has paper and coloring sheets inside. I'm going to bring my comfort pillow and my favorite squishmallow plushies. I just need to take a few pictures of my family and I feel like I tried my best to bring comfort with me. I got to order aromatherapy balm sticks because I can't have essential oils and I don't see why I couldn't have these so I feel good about my supply of comfort things.

I used to take so much klonapins and do normal stuff like safely drive my car but I feel heavily medicated this time like I need to lay down. At least I'm not having a panic attack and I had some food.

[quackburmanicgaysex]

i remember eating golden chick the morning after. I remember waking up and the feeling hitting me and made me want to go back to sleep. i think that was the first time i ever woke up early without any help. i didnt even stay home. i couldn't. i remember the few moments after rhe hospital gave us the news i wanted to go back to grab pillows and i couldnt even walk into his bedroom. i remember food being so fucking disgusting and i couldnt bring myself to eat because i wanted to throw it all up. i was so confused on how to tell my friends i was just having conversations with that i wasnt gonna be active alot anymore. how do you tell them that your dad had a heart attack? i felt so out of place and dissociated for the first week. none of it felt real honestly. even if we all knew that his time was already limited. ive grieved my father as a child when they told me that he was sick and he cant get better and itll never get good for him. i remember that right after his death i felt like i loved my mom. magbe i did. i dont know. i cant stand the idea of her now. i dont think ill ever forget how hard my other brother cried that night. i think thats the first time ive seen him cry. i remember my friend coming and nicole asking her to be there for me. i remember her holding me in her lap like i was a baby in the hospital bathroom floor even though i was a whole foot taller. i remember my aunt holding me tightly after the news was given. shes not even blood related but she was there and helped me through so much. I remember my mom doing laundry and she found one of his sweaty shirts. it smelled so much like him . we didnt throw away anything. we kept his half emptied can of snuff, pepsi, and twizzlers. i remember laying in his bed and trying to get his smell to rub off on me. i remember cussing my mom out when she washed his bedding and sheets. i was so fucking pissed off. i remember my dad and i bickering right before it happened. he told me he loved me but i didnt say it back because he took my moms side and hurt my feelings. i didnt say it back and i think that eats at me every. fucking. day. i wish i did. i wish i sucked it up wnd went "i love you too dad." I wished he hugged me. I wish he didnt fucking go outside. I wish he didnt fucking die on me.

[somnolent-scout]

.

[lcandothisallday]

Jack finding out that you’ve been cheating on him with Urban 😳

okay I cant bring myself to fully write a cheating fic cos im a baby like that plus I just feel terrible for jack so ima do the lead up to it if you catch my drift. idk its still an angst piece but without the confrontation portion cos I cant do that to my baby jack

Promises - Urban Wyatt x reader

Ooopp- okay but I see you falling for Urban totally accidentally. What I mean by this is that it probably happened so naturally because you spend so much time with Urban whenever Jack is working.

It's not that Jack didn't care, but since he is so busy all the time, he'd probably throw a lot of his boyfriend responsibilities onto Urban. Like telling him to drive you home or check on you at parties or bring over food to you.

It reached a point where you started to look forward to spending time with Urban one on one. At first, when Jack would leave you with Urban to go do whatever, it would bother you but after a bit you began to embrace Urban’s presence and he became not only a close friend, but your safety person.

So your breaking point with Jack? You had complained to him one day that the two of you never go out alone anymore. That you two barely share any intimate moments since he's so busy or tired from his shows. And so he makes it up to you by promising to take you out on a special date after he finished up at the studio. Except he got invited out to a party instead and told you he couldn't pass up the opportunity to network with some people. Of course you got upset by this and rejected his offer to join him at the party.

As you’re chilling on the couch watching your show and eating your favourite chips, the front door unlocks and Urban strolls in. “You’re not at the party?” you ask him. Urban chuckles and raises a brow at you. “Could ask you the same thing.”

You laugh softly and shrug. “Jack blew off our date for the party so I wanted to stay home,” you explain, patting the spot on the couch next to you for him to come sit. “What about you?”

“Sometimes...I feel outta place at those things,” Urban explains, his turn now to shrug. “Glad I didn't go cause I wouldn’t have had anyone to chill with since you didn’t go.”

You nod, “yeah-I get what you mean. You know? Sometimes it feels like I’m dating you and not Jack,” you chuckle, biting your lip as you watched him light up his blunt and take in a puff.

“Honestly...yeah,” he agreed. “The amount of times I’ve had girls tell me they don’t go up to me at parties cos they see me hanging out with you is alarming.”

Your eyes widened, smacking his arm as you laughed. “Why didn’t you say something?! So I’ve been cockblocking you this entire time?” you ask him with a groan.

Urban ended up giggling at your reaction. “Well yeah..but I don’t mind,” he teased. This time, it was your turn to raise your brows at him in judgement.

“Yeah right. It must be annoying to have to entertain your best friend’s girlfriend,” you sigh.

“You do know I’m not forced to do anything I don’t want to right?” Urban stated matter of factly. 

“Well then why?”

“Why what?”

You scoff, “why do you tolerate me all the time when you could be getting your dick wet by some beautiful girl?” you ask him.

“Why is it so hard to believe that I enjoy your company and hanging out with you?” Urban retaliated in question. You let out a sarcastic laugh. “Because it just doesn’t make sense--”

“So what? You want me to say that I don’t want any girl but I want you instead?”

“Yes actually.”

Urban’s head snapped up to look at you, seeing that you were completely serious. “W-What?”

You shuffle over to straddle Urban’s waist, your hands coming up to brush some of his blond hair back. “Say that you want me and I’ll risk everything with Jack so I can have you,” you whisper. “Because I’m sick and tired of being his second choice when I know I’ll be your first every single time.”

Urban found his hands resting on your hips, giving them a gentle squeeze. “I want you--God, I fucking want you bad, ma...but we can’t.”

“I’m going to break up with him either way,” you state, your eyes watering as you sniffle and begin playing with his beard. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait until we can be together without Jack getting hurt-- just promise me that at the end I’ll be yours.”

“I promise.”

[rjshepherd]

Hello! I really like your headcanons, and I'm excited for your fics. If it's possible, can I request some headcanons for Karl's lover getting hurt/killed by Ethan in a way similar to Dimitrescu's daughters? I have a serious thing for angst, and it seems like Karl's a goldmine.

oof nonnie ur gonna give me feelies with this one. 

Karl reacts to his S/O's death at ethans hands

-what can i tell you? he reacts about as well as one might expect. in private he breaks down, screams and cries out your name, cursing ethan winters with every fiber of his being.

-In public he seems more composed, but scratch the surface and you'll see he's become worse in every way without you. he's more violent, more sadistic, shorter tempered and angrier than he's ever been. He chain smokes, refuses to eat and drinks more than he ever did with you. If he showed up to a lords meeting drunk as a skunk i wouldn't be surprised. Simply put, he's coping badly and without you he just doesn't care anymore.

-things go flying and i don't just mean because of his magnet powers. When Karl first hears/sees the news, he throws things like alcina threw her vanity ( must run in the family), anything he can get his hands on until wherever he currently is looks like a bomb has hit it, total unbridled destruction.

-Karl is nowhere near as good at keeping composed as Alcina. when she's around ethan she makes jokes and although she's angry, she's still vaguely flirtatious (in a black widow sort of way)with him. in private we see she's still able to think with reason, telling cassandra , the families best hunter, to bring her his head. Karl however? Reason and logic go out the window, he's going to hunt ethan down himself and rip out his spleen with his bare hands.

-finding that Miranda has already killed him however, just sends him spiraling down. He wasn't strong enough to protect you, he wasn't able to convince ethan to kill miranda, he couldn't kill either of them himself. He feels inept, incompetent, inadequate and weak. every negative thing miranda has ever said to him comes to the forefront of his mind.

-Miranda has the gaul to mock Karl while he's in this vulnerable state. Really grind her heel into an open wound. she berets him for being too weak to protect you and take out ethan, makes jokes about how she's cleaning up after her children. i see her being motherly in a very harsh, condescending way. She tells him to be grateful you were killed before he had a chance to get attached and that he should be happy she's taken care of ethan for him.

-I see things going one of two ways. Either karl snaps or he falls into numbness and gives up on revenge:

- If karl snaps under the stress, miranda is going to find out what he's been up to: the army, the coup, trying to steal rose. She goes through him for a shortcut, karl fights like he doesnt care if he lives or dies. without you, theres no point. He loses, unsurprisingly but i dont think the fear comes until miranda refuses to deliver the killing blow. He cant fathom living without you, he wasnt counting on surviving long enough to have to find out what thats like. Sadly for Karl, miranda has gotten quite creative with her punishments over the centuries.

-If he lets himself succumb to despair, he simply becomes miranda's puppet. He has no interest in revenge anymore. whats the point? the whole point of being free was to be with you. and since ethan is dead too his life has no purpose. He gives into his fate at mirandas side, simply because he doesnt care enough to resist anymore

And then karl woke up from his nightmare, you were still lying there very much alive and everything wasnt terrible <3

i love angst nonnie but now ive just made myself sad so im going to write some comfort stuff for myself.

[rosachaotic]

Remember when i said Talbott and Cereza werent over? Yeah.

I promised yall i would write a continuation of this. For those dont remember that happend, here

Anyways enjoy the fanfic!

Warning: none?? Its more just angst then fluff.(but sorry for my bad english and wording im not very good at writing and I wrote this on mobile)

It's been two months and few days since the big argument Talbott and Cereza had on the hospital wings.

This all happened because Cereza tried to do all the investigation and take down R by herself, but of course that plan failed and it backfired on her very badly. She fought the wizard in white and almost died because of it, losing her consciousness after he ran away, fortunately she was found by Moody who was searching for her after her twin brother said she went missing and was taken to the hospital wings.

She was scolded for it of course, and after that her friends went to visit her. All of her friends were worried for her, especially her twin brother Michael who jumped into her hugging her tight, crying, not realizing her whole body was in pain before he quickly let her go.

After a long chat with her friends and twin brother Talbott got in but he didn't look happy, he asked for everyone to leave him and Cereza alone because he wanted to talk to her, everyone left confused to what was going on.

Outside people could hear both Talbott and Cereza arguing with each other, Talbott was disappointed that Cereza lied to everyone including him about not having any information that could be useful for Circle ot Khanna and that she did is by herself he thought she was dead she could have died because of her reckless decision, Cereza tried to explain herself by saying she thought what she was doing was the right because she wanted to protect everyone which didn't make Talbott feel any less worse but the opposite. Both kept arguing with each other until Talbott storms out of hospital wings not looking at his friend's faces who were waiting outside, Penny tried to stop him but he just ignored her and walked away, once everyone back inside to the hospital they saw Cereza holding back her tears but she did a very job at it once everyone was inside and started crying.

----

Cereza rarely saw Talbott after what happened, she only saw him on the classes they shared but even then he didn't even talk to her, she decided to let it be not wanting to bother Talbott and she thought that this was the end of their relationship. This broke her alot, the happy girl that was always smiling and giggling all the time wasn't there anymore, not only she felt bad for what she did but she thought she lost one of the people she loved the most.

That was until Cereza got a letter in the morning, Andre gave it to her and said "It's from Talbott." She quickly opened the letter and read the paper that said:

"We need to talk. Meet me after dinner in the courtyard."

-Talbott

She thanked Andre for the letter who nodded and said "I hope everything works out for you guys." And left, Cereza also hoped that things would work out but she couldn't help but feel anxious about it. What did he want to talk about after dinner? Why did it have to wait?

"Does he want to end our relationship once and for all?" Cereza thought all day, Cereza knew how to be patient but this waiting was killing her.

During dinner she barely ate anything, Rowen(M!Rowan) was trying to make her eat something but she couldn't.

"You have to eat something, you can't sleep with an empty stomach." Said Rowen, worried for his best friend trying to make her eat. He knew about the letter, Cereza told him about it and he knew how nervous and anxious she was because of it.

"I can't, this wait is killing me.'' Cereza said anxiously.

She then looked around, noticing that Talbott wasn't at the ravenclaw table or at any table of the other houses.

"Did you see Talbott walk in?" Asked Cereza, still looking around, Rowen shook his head.

"No, I didn't, I don't think he is coming for dinner today." Rowen took a bite of his food as he said that.

"Why? Do you know about something??"

"No, no, but...Penny said she didn't see all day, he didn't go to any of his classes." Cereza felt her heart drop, this wasn't like him, he would NEVER miss any class, if there was something Talbott was proud of himself is that he was an excellent student.

"This isn't like him…" Whispered Cereza."I cant, i have to go."

"Wha- B-But dinner time isn't over yet!"

"I'm sorry Rowen, but I have to go."

"...Okay, good luck Cere!"

Cereza nodded and left the great hall running, she opened the big door to the corridor and rushed past the students to the courtyard.

As she got outside she looked around.

There he was, sitting on the tree trunk looking at the stars just like he would when he waited for her for their dates.. Cereza sighed with relief knowing that Talbott was okay...or was he?

She took a deep breath and walked toward him, stopping right before him.

"Hey…" Talbott jumped at hearing Cereza's voice, he was probably so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear her walk in.

"Oh, Sorry I didn't hear you coming in…" Said Talbott awkwardly.

"Its okay…"

"..."

"Penny said she didn't see you all day, you also didn't come for dinner as well."

"I felt sick all day and I wasn't hungry."

"Oh...I'm sorry, I hope you're better now."

Silence took over, the only sound they heard was the cold night wind, making things kinda awkward. Until Talbott coughed and said

"Sit here with me." He tapped right next to him, Cereza then climbed the tree trunk and sat right next to him.

Again, the awkward silence.

Cereza then looked at the sky, it was a pretty starry night, she could see some shooting stars.

" The night is beautiful tonight isn't it?" Asked Talbott, breaking the silence.

"Yeah. It is beautiful."

"It reminds me of when we used to have our dates here, you would make wishes for the shooting stars."

"Stupid wishes, I know." Cereza giggled at her own stupid self.

"I never thought they were stupid." Said Talbott.

"Even the one where I wished for a giant puffskein?"

Cereza shook her head smiling a little bit and she also noticed Talbott was smiling a little as well, she missed seeing him smile, but they weren't there to watch the stars.

"Hey, if that's your wish, who am i to judge?

"Talbott-"

"Yeah?"

"Listen, I-I know you said you wanted to talk to me in your letter, but I want to say something first." Said Cereza nervously, while staring at the floor.

"...Go ahead."

She took a deep breath and then looked at his warm striking hazel, who met her golden eyes. Then she finally said:

"...I'm sorry."

"...Wha-"

"I'm sorry for what I did, Talbott. It was very dumb of me try to all of that on my own and it was and it was insensitive and bad of me not to tell you guys the information I had about R."

"Cereza-"

"I should have trusted you all to defend yourselves without my help, I shouldn't have lied to you guys about not finding anything."

"Cereza listen-"

"I shouldn't have done that, I could have died and i didn't thought about how you, my family and the rest of our friends would feel about it if I died, you were right when you said things wouldn't get any better if I-"

"CEREZA!"

Cereza jumped at Talbott who raised his voice at her, he gripped her shoulders and made her look at him, his eyes staring at her but he didn't look angry he looked sad.

"Just...listen to me please."

Cereza nodded and whispered "sorry" and let him talk.

"Look...after what happened, i couldn't stop thinking about that night on hospital wings. That night kept playing in my head over and over every time I went to bed...I felt awful"

"Huh-"

"I felt awful, Cereza. After I calmed down I realized what I just did and how I shouldn't have talked to you that way, but it was too late, I was already at my dorm and I couldn't bring myself to come back."

"..."

"I was ashamed."

"Is that the reason why you were avoiding me?"

Talbott nodded, he took a deep breath as if was holding himself to not cry.

"I thought you hated me."

"..."

"So I avoided you and everyone else as well, it was painful."

"Tal I-"

"I should have thought of your feelings, how were you feeling that made you do all of that yourself."

"...You had all the rights to react the way you did, it was a stupid and dangerous decision that I made."

"But I still shouldn't have said those things to you."

"..."

"I let my emotions take over me, my heart dropped when I saw Moody carrying you to the hospital wings....blood all over you and you unconscious and i thought i lost you..."

"..."

"When i heard you were alive, I was so happy and relieved...but when i heard about why you did that when I heard Michael talking to Moody I...I dont know what came over me, i was angry and disappointed"

"...I know-"

"Not only on you, but mostly on myself"

"..W-why? Why were you angry at yourself??"

"Because I thought I failed you, I couldn't protect you, I couldn't be there for you."

"But it wasn't your fault-"

"Let me finish..."

"..."

"But that doesn't excuse what I did, i didnt think about what you were feeling, how you were feeling. Your feelings that made you do this and your feelings after it...I called you selfish but I was even more selfish…"

"Tal…"

Cereza's hand went to Talbott's cheek, who jumped at her touch but then rested his face on her hand holding her hand even more close to his face. He closed his eyes while he felt her warmth on his skin again after so long.

"I'm sorry Cereza, I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for everything."

"I forgive you."

Talbott's eyes quickly opened as he looked at her, he was surprised but it also looked like a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders. She continued:

"But...do you forgive me as well?"

"Of course I do."

Cereza also felt as if a heavy weight was lifted off her shoulders as well, she smiled as she felt tears run down her face and she had to take off her glasses to clean it.

"I-I thought...I thought you called me to end everything between us." Said Cereza as she cried while she tried to clean her tears off her face. She was shaking a little and her breath was also shaky.

"I would never do that." He whispered. "If anything, I was more afraid of you wanting to break up with me."

Talbott got closer to her and hugged tight on to his body, catching her by surprise.

Cereza returned the tight hug, smiling while tears rolled down her face, Talbott also had tears rolling down his face who tried to hide by hiding his face on her shoulder but his shaky breath and the way he sniffed quietly gave it away he was crying. Cereza's hand went to Talbott's hair and was caressing his hair.

"I thought I was going to lose you." Whispered Talbott, not wanting to let her go.

"I thought the same thing…" Cereza whispered back, kissing his head.

Both of them stopped hugging each other as they cleaned their faces but still kept close, Talbott's hand travelled to Cereza's face and caressed her cheek, his hand was cold as always but Cereza never cared about that, she liked his touch.

They both stared at each other, they both knew it was awkward the way they stared at each other but they did not care, their gazes were filled with intense love.

Talbott kept his hand on Cereza's cheek and kissed her other cheek gently but his face didn't move away, in fact he kept face very close to hers moving only a little to her lips, their noses were touching each other and they could feel their heavy breaths, Cereza closed her eyes as she felt her heartbeat go very fast and her face was red, Talbott heart also felt like it was going to jump from his mouth and even his ears were dark red. He brushed his nose on to hers but then kissed her nose, he caressed her cheek once more smiling, Cereza then opened her eyes and saw his smile and smiled back at him. Both of them giving loving smiles at each other.

"I love you." Said Talbott.

Cereza's hand went to Talbott's face and to his cheek as well, as she sighed and smiled again.

"I love you too, meu amor.'

Talbott's smile grew as he heard again the loving way Cereza called him using her first language, while they didn't have their first kiss yet what matters is that they were both together again.

"Just promise to me that you will be more careful." Said Talbott.

Cereza nodded.

"I will...but, do you promise to never leave my side?" Asked Cereza, Talbott chuckled and said:

"I promise, my sunshine."

[lychee-drinks]

Sweet Desires // Present Mic/Hizashi Yamada x Female! Reader (NSFW)

Word Count: 3.1k

Tags: Teacher/teacher assistant, choking, hair pulling, smut, dirty talk, cussing

Summary: You are a college student and to graduate you are Hizashi’s assistant. You guys are close, but he tells you to stop seeing him because he’s fallen in love and he feels weird about being with you. You convince him to then go on one date...

A/N: Well well well, this is what i’ve been working on these past few days so enjoy. Just note that this is my second time writing smut and I’m sorry if this is too long 👈👉. Also if you want to support me, https://ko-fi.com/tea999

You weren't a hero, but you were majoring in hero studies hopefully to support famous heroes. As part of your pathway to getting your degree, you had to volunteer and work with heroes/students in high school to become heroes. Thanks to your school, you were able to become a teacher assistant at U.A. Academy under pro hero Present Mic.

He was a friendly teacher, one with high energy in the early morning and was always encouraging you. Hizashi didn't know what it was like to be apart of hero support, but often asked you about school. He treated you like a friend, often during break time he'd drive you out to get you food. Sometimes, you guys would even hang out outside of school, he'd just invite you to a restaurant or just hang out. Your guy's personalities matched each other so it was no surprise that you guys clicked instantly.

You walked into the teacher's lounge, today the students having class, but the teachers were and so you came by to help him out once more. Hizashi didn't notice you at first, he sat at his desk not wearing his normal costume.

No matter how many times you told yourself you couldn't fall for this man, it happened and you suppressed it. Outside of school when you guys would hang out, you always found yourself flirting with him and he would do so back. Going out shopping to places, sometimes you guys would accidentally hold hands for too long. Hizashi's high energy always motivated you and you liked that.

"Hello Present Mic, I've come by today to help you out," You cheered as you sat yourself next to him.

"Heyy, thank you for coming today, it means a lot to me," He smiled with a less cheerful demeanor as usual. You noticed, but you didn't bother asking him what was up. "Can you help me with grading the kid's work today?"

"Yes sir," You smiled and got straight to work.

For the next few hours you helped him out with things he needed to get done, more like a student assistant rather than a student teacher afterall. Today he was more silent, it was strange, but you decided not to ask him.

Later came lunch, Hizashi stood up to take a stretch break. As he lifted his arms up, his shirt came up along with it and you couldn't help but find yourself blushing at the sight of his exposed stomach.

"(Y/N), come with me outside and let's take a break," He smiled. You got up and followed him. Outside in the hall ways, there were some of his students.

"Good afternoon Present Mic!!!" A boy with red hair waved from the group. Hizashi waved back.

You guys sat outside on a bench next to a vending machine. He bought you a can of coffee and you accepted. He on the other hand had a bottle of soda instead.

"What's upwith not wearing the hero attire? Usually you'd always be in costume at school," You asked him as you took a sip out of your can.

"Just not feeling it today, it feels great to be in normal attire," He laughed as he took another stretch standing up. Hizashi stopped and turned to you with a soft expression. You and him made eye contact for a bit and then he spoke up, "How many more hours do you need to be a student teacher?"

'Why is he asking me that?' You thought to yourself. "Just around 8 more hours, why's that?" You asked him.

"I can fake documents and make it look like you completed your hours, you don't need to keep coming to U.A. anymore," He sighed as he took a big drink from his soda.

You stared at him, a bit shocked. Did he not want to see you anymore? Maybe he sympathized that you were a tired college student who wanted to get things done as soon as you can, but you enjoyed being his student assistant. You wouldn't thought he would want you to be under him much longer, but maybe that wasn't the case.

"Why's that? I know I have school to focus on, but I actually enjoy spending time here at U.A," You said to him. He glanced at you and let out a small chuckle.

"I'll be honest, I started liking you," He announced. Hizashi didn't make much eye contact with you, but you could tell he was blushing. Your heart was pounding, he liked you. "I'm sorry if I creeped you out, I don't think I can continue seeing you."

He liked you. Colors of love and disappointment flashed around you and your cheeks went red. How were you supposed to react when the person you had to suppress your feelings for is confessing their feelings to you and trying to cut you out of their life? Hizashi stood there waiting a bit for your response, but it seemed like he wanted to go back. You grabbed his hand.

"I can't leave yet, I love the students here, I love the staff and I like being around you," You stuttered a bit. Your feelings of flattery overwrote feelings of sadness. You still held on to his hand, which felt warm.

He turned back and let your hand go. "I like you so much, but I feel like I'm going to fall too hard for you."

If you let him go back, then you would lose your chance to be with him. You were still stunned, but you made up your mind. Hizashi was starting to walk back and you grabbed him from behind and you pressed your lips onto his.

Hizashi was shocked, but gave in and kissed you back. The kiss was passionate and felt like heaven. Hizashi had his hand stroking your hair. Thankfully, nobody was around to witness the kiss get more intimate, and then he pushed you away.

"I cant, I'm like a teacher to you," He said as he covered his face to blush. It didn't seem like he would budge and so you came with a compromise.

"One date, are you going to tell me that is hanging outside of school was necessary," You said to him with your one finger up. Hizashi didn't say anything back, but he still looked hesitant to respond. "I don't know how to process everything you've told me, I'm getting 'fired' and you also like me. My heart is pounding hard and I just like being around you so much."

You were being like a clueless high school teenager in love confessing your side to him and he laughed at that. "I can't help it that I fell for you, but I don't know if I can pursue anything with you. There's the whole stigma around someone like me and you getting together and I've also got myself busy with being a hero and teaching."

"I... can't help you with that, but I think we should give it a try," You said back. He blushed and turned around.

"You're a persistant one, we'll go on one date then," Hizashi said changing his mind easily. He softly hit his can of soda on your head. Part of him was telling him not to go along with the date so easily, but most of him liked you enough to want to hang out and pursue you.

The day came for your date with Hizashi, your date was going to be just exploring the city, shopping and eating. You were nervous, but you were also excited too.

'Will this date be just like how we normally hang out or much more?' You questioned to yourself.

You made it to the city before he did, and stood in front of a stationary store. Hizashi came by around 10 minutes later in his casual clothes. You rarely saw him wear his casual clothes, but when you did he always looked way more attractive. Hizashi had his hair down in a half up bun and wore glasses you never really saw him wear much.

"HEYYYYYYYYY," Hizashi exclaimed and you waved back to him. "Did you wait too long for me?" He asked as he grabbed your hand. You couldn't help, but blush at him holding your hand.

"Not at all, let's go!!"

For the first part of your date, you guys went around the stores, looking at clothes, going to bookstores, or looking at electronics. He didn't let go of your hand the entire time and you liked that.

"OK, so what do you think of this!!" Hizashi smiled as he put on a funny hat to entertain you. You laughed at him and he laughed back.

"That looks terrible on you, but I'll add a bonus for looking so fine," You smirked.

"Aha you're too kind."

You guys continued to explore, at one point buying food from a bakery. While you were eating a croissant, he suddenly came up and took a bite leaving you mad, but in a cute way. He was a big tease. Messing around with you, and turning things romantic.

While taking a break and resting on a bench, he went off to the bathroom and you were thinking.

'Even if he doesn't want to see me anymore, I hope we remain friends somehow,' You thought to yourself and he came back. This time, he had drinks in his hand.

"Got you drinks!!" He yelled. Hizashi ran up to you and sat himself down. He handed you a bottle of water and watched as you opened it up and take a sip.

"Are you enjoying this date?" You asked him wanting to get his opinion.

"It's been great," Hizashi admitted. That was something you could get out of him.

"You know after today, I think I can say I want to see you more," You told him. Even if the other day you were unsure how to feel, after today you enjoyed being around him and wanted to bring things further.

"I don't know, while I really enjoyed today and enjoy being with you, it feels wrong," He said. Your volunteering didn't matter anymore, you didn't want to cut him off.

"But I don't think it's wrong, you talk things out like I'm a high schooler when I'm not. Maybe you have other reasons, but I don't want to lose you as my friend too."

Hizashi didn't respond and sat there next to you in silence. It seems like he wasn't going to budge so maybe that mean the date was over. He probably had more reasons to not want to see you anymore, and you had no choice to respect that. Hizashi stood up and you expected that he was going to leave, but he didn't.

"Do you want to come to my place? I've got funny movies to watch and I think that would be a great way to end the date," He smiled. What a way to change you mood. You agreed to it and the two of you left the city to go to his place.

You entered his apartment, it wasn't big, but it was enough for one person to live in. It was a bit messy, but it wasn't that bad. He had empty bottles on his counter and papers unorganized on his table. You took your jacket off and left it on the couch.

"Sorry about the mess, but make yourself at home."

You sat yourself down on the couch in front of the T.V. It took a bit for him to join you, but he offered you a can of beer. You accepted and you guys watched anything you guys found. Hizashi was fun to watch movies with, for the first 20 minutes it was uncomfortable, but then things got comfortable fast. His laugh was enough to get you to start laughing too and his commentary was entertaining. Sometimes he'd jump up and imitate the actors and you would laugh till you cried.

You guys sat up cuddling with each other. The beer calmed your nerves a bit, you weren't too drunk, but just comfortable and so was he. Things were flirty and even though he was saying how he wasn't sure if he wanted to see you anymore because he liked you, that was all behind.

"You know when I was first introduced to you from my school's counselor, my first thought was that you were so damn hot," You laughed.

"I could say the same too, but then I was like 'Nope I have to be professional." You were already scooted up to his arms so there wasn't more you could do. You and Hizashi made eye contact with each other and you pressed your lips against him. It started as a small kiss and slowly turned into a make out session. He had your legs on his lap and his hands at your waist. He soon moved down to your neck leaving you marks as he continues. You let out a moan from the pleasure you were getting.

You had your hands under his shirt slowly lifting it up. His body felt warmer as they moved up his abs. It was interesting, for a man who on the outside looked quite skinny, he had muscles underneath. Hizashi spent too long kissing your face, it was time for you to take over. You took his shirt off, threw it to the ground and pushed him over to where you were on top of him.

"Do you want to continue, I'm it going to force you to do something you don't want," Hizashi asked you.

"For sure," You said. You took off your shirt and he unclipped your bra. You were sitting on his legs and could feel his bulge which caused you to desire him even more. With one hand at his crotch, you went at his jaw giving him hickeys all over him. He let out groans with every action. Soon enough your hands reached down and pulled his pants down. His cock was erect and you were ready to down it. Your tongue swirled around the tip leaving chills in Hizashi's body. The taste of him made you desire more and you continued. Hizashi had his hands stroking your hair and making sure your hair didn't get on your face. He had a relaxed face and let out relaxed moans.

Your position changed and this time he moved himself on top of you before he could cum. His hands trailed down your body giving you a ticklish feel. Realizing you still had your jeans on, Hizashi unbuttoned them and felt your clit through your panties giving them a rub. You were already wet from the excitement and he liked that. His hands got into your panties and had his fingers stroke you.

"Let's move to somewhere better~" You smirked before he could do anymore. Hizashi nodded and lead you to his room. Messy itself, but it was fuckable. He pulled you down onto the bed and got on top of you.

"You sure you wanna continue?" He asked you. His lime colored eyes made deep eye contact with yours.

"Yeah let's do it," You said. Hizashi spread your leg open and put a finger in and you let out a gasp.

"You're already so wet for me," He smirked. He then put a second finger and went for it. You shrieked are how fast he went. His fingers were fast and they hit at where you were pleasured the most. Only at the start and he was this good. It was too early for you to orgasm and so he stopped.

He grabbed a condom and put it on. You laid on your back as he grabbed your legs and put it over his shoulders. Slowly he entered and went slow. The feeling was euphoric, the teacher you were volunteering under was in you. The man you liked was in you and you loved every moment of it. His thrusts were slow, but passionate.

"You like that," He breathed. His pace started getting faster. You but your lip and clenched his sheets to get through it. His nails were dug into your skin as he started going faster and you let out moans as his hips moved in. Hizashi's expression changed from a calm one to a more focused look with his eyebrows furrowed. He was great at sex, and you were pleasured.

"Fuck!" You cussed. He kept going and then turned you over on doggie style. He entered from behind and this time he had his hands around your neck. They sat there, not gripped as tight.His thrusts were faster and you were having so much fun.

"Fuckkkkkk, (Y/N)," He yelled. His thrusts got faster

and it was starting to get painful bit by bit, but you didn't want to stop. The bed squeaked hard and the headboard was hitting the wall. It felt so good in you, you could almost feel yourself reach the climax and he was too. You were more than satisfied. It wasn't long until you finally reached your orgasm. You screamed his name his thrusts started slowing down.

"Shit, I'm gonna cum," Hizashi groaned. He was trying to get the most satisfaction from you and went hard. Soon he pulled out and came and you collapsed on the bed. You were tired from it all and couldn't keep your eyes open as much. Him on the other hand, he was up throwing away his condom.

You laid down on his bed reflecting on what had happened and he joined you. Hizashi stared up to the ceiling, looking wide awake still.

"So tell me something, is there any reason why you told me that you want to stop seeing me, but decided to fuck me today?" You asked him in a sleepy voice. You were up in his arms, refusing to leave.

"You're right," Hizashi sighed. He turned to you and grabbed your hand.

"You selfish bastard," You poked at him. Inside, you were getting sad. You agreed to fuck him and now he was probably going to cut you out.

"Let's continue seeing each other, but I have to tell you, there's a lot of stuff going on so I'm not sure I can put 100 percent into whatever we have," Hizashi admitted.

"Then tell me everything."

He sat up and told you what had been happening in the hero commission, how there was something big coming up and what he found out about his high school friend. You listened to him vent out his feelings and how he wasn't so sure if now was the right time to be seeing anyone, but he knew he couldn't let you go. You held on to him tight, letting him know that you were there for him and you weren't going to leave him. You wanted to stay like this forever.

[dontjudgemebymykpoptrash]

Saw A.C.E in Chicago and Atlanta this week and had meet and greet packages for both stops (no I couldn't afford it, yes my bank account overdrafted whoops).

It was ammazingggg. LONG STORY AHEAD.

The question I asked was answered by Chan. Bless his heart he struggled so much to say my name and I was in the second row on the furthest side from him. I stood up and waved so he could see me. They asked how to pronounce my name and BK actually said it perfectly, I was so impressed!

The question that was chosen was "What hobby do you want to try that you haven't tried before". He said Cooking, cause he isn't good at it and Donghun won't eat his food.

When the item signing started, BK would interact with us a lot and the girls in front of us took the liberty of teaching him the phrase "Let's get this bread." His face when they explained that bread = money was priceless. Experiencing that magical moment will live with me forever since he has been saying it nonstop since then.

So since PLT I've decided my "thing" for each autograph I can get is making my dumb pun fans. Eventually I'll just have a wall of these dang things and I'm excited about it. I made one for each my friend and me. Here's mine.

The other thing I prepared for them I kept super secret because I very much wanted to see their reaction to it. I didn't post it publicly anywhere. In line with Choice teasingly referring to Junhee as a lizard much to the delight of the fandom and the rest of A.C.E while hysterically bugging Jun, I couldn't resist... I'd always wanted to give away cute things at concerts but since I'm also an asshole I used my exceptionally mediocre photoshop skills to make

These beauties.

I originally only had 150 to hand out and I was actually worried I wouldn't be able to get rid of them all. I thought people might think they're dumb and not want any. Then due to a print shop mistake I ended up with 650. Whoops.

Before the meet and greet they tell us explicitly we are not allowed to give them anything and if they catch us trying to sneak them something they'll escort us out. My plan to see their reaction was almost destroyed! But I was very graciously given permission to -show- them the card, not give it to them (don't worry. They each got two in their gift boxes).

A.C.E tends to always stand/sit in the same order, so just as I expected, Chan was up first. He understood the pun of my fan! He thought it was really cute and gave such a big reaction I was pleased. Then I showed him the card and it was even bigger. I told him it was Junhee and he full on kicked out a leg and hit the table as he laughed which made me happy. He shook my hand.

Up next was Donghun who was the most quiet. I showed him the card after he signed my fan and he asked who it was. I told him it was Jun and he laughed and probably judged me a lot but then he gave me a high five and interlaced our fingers for a moment so I didn't feel completely embarrassed. The person behind me was so excited they moved onto Donghun before Jun was ready for me so I was waiting in limbo for a few seconds.

Leader Jun in the middle, the reaction I wanted most. He signed my fan and then I put the card down for him to see. He asked who it was, he seemed surprised. I told him it was him and he laughed and tried to deny it. He asked what kind of lizard it was, I told him it was a giant day gecko because I think they're the cutest. I told him I made sure to give them some in their gift box, and that we would see him again in Atlanta. He shook my hand and then the person behind me got excited again lol.

Byeongkwan was next! This boy is an absolute doll okay? The first thing he said to me is that he liked my lipstick (it was green). He signed my fan, then I showed him the card and he was beyond stoked. He laughed so loud and even held it up to Jun pointing it out to everyone. I promised him he got two in his gift box. He asked if I made one of each member and I told him no, but promised him I would next year (me and my big mouth). He held my hand and interlaced fingers and was just so sweet until the person behind me encouraged me on again.

WOW. OKAY. So Sehyoon is my bias af I was VISIBLY SHAKING at this point and as I set my fan down it so obnoxiously tapped the table several times. He tapped his lips and pointed at mine and said "pretty". I thanked him and said it was green for "cactus". I'm not sure if he understood cause he just repeated "cactus" and cocked his head slightly before signing my fan. Then I showed him the card. He asked who it was and I said Jun. He laughed a little and then I told him he was my favorite. He had the quietest lil thank you, then took my hand in both his soft tiny bby hands and I think my brain melted cause I couldnt make eye contact anymore it was too much. Just thinking about it is making my heart hurt. (To be clear, I am in no way special, he held everyone's hand the same way).

After that, we did the pictures! I very shyly wanted to stand between BK and Wow. I didn't do anything special this time around cause the pose I wanted was done by two other people so I just asked for cute cheek pokies. They were having so much fun with people so that inspired my next photo request. As I was walking away from the photo BK told me again that he really liked my lipstick and I was over the moon.

I brought about half the cards with me to hand out hoping I wouldn't have extras and people LOVED THEM? I ran out and felt bad that I didn't bring more!

The concert was AWESOME!! They're so interactive with fans I had several moments with EACH of them, but my favorite is when Wow kicked up a heart and he saw me catch it all goofy instead of letting him hit the woah and he laughed and mimicked me. He also handed me two lollipops (I gave one to my friend) but I'm never gonna eat it.

For the hi touch Chan handed us our photo cards, and hi fived us. They were oddly out of order (chan, Donghun, BK, Wow, Jun). I managed to tell him and Donghun they did amazing, then BK told me AGAIN he still loved my lips. I was so excited I told him "it'll be BLUE next time" and he said "oh!" BUT BY DOING THAT MY DUMBASS MISSED THE CHANCE TO LOOK INTO WOW'S AND JUN'S EYES UGH I WAS SO UPSET AT MYSELF also I got yelled at by security (rightly so).

Next is Atlanta!

I started handing out cards earlier and got worried again cause there were quite a few people that weren't interested at all. Fortunately by the end of the show there were so many people wanting them I offered to do a reprint if necessary. Some people even said they were going through the hi touch holding it up which I LOVED.

Anyway, this time during the Meet and Greet I was in the front row directly in front Byeongkwan and Wow. I WAS NOT OKAY. I kept making eye contact and getting so shy ugh. Byeongkwan recognized me and tapped his lips and winked when he saw me (I was wearing blue lipstick this time). BK got my question (the interpreter said my name perfectly without me needing to tell her, I was so impressed!) I asked what concept they wanted to try that they hadn't tried yet. He said they had already done everything and I cocked my head giving him a disbelieving look. He then admitted that they hadn't done the cutesy boy concept and I lost it- I cant imagine them trying to pull that off.

For future Choice in my position- these boys have ears like BATS okay. There was one time Jun said something like "it's his choice." And I quietly said to the person next to me "no we're choice." And he looked at me and said "You're right! You're all choice!" I was shook.

Wow got asked what his favorite dessert to eat is and he said chocolate anything, then listed things "Chocolate cake. Chocolate ice cream. Chocolate rice." At this point everyone exclaims and he gets his silly lil smile and says "Chocolate fish." And everyone loses it. It was so funny and cute.

Later Jun was asked if he preferred pancakes or waffles and it was a really hard question for him. He said he had been eating more pancakes since coming to the US but he liked both a lot. He just didn't like Chocolate pancakes and I said "cause Wow eats them all?" And wow just very dreamily says "Choco pancakes...." I about died.

BK was asked if he wanted to go to the aquarium and he said he really hoped to. He asked if there were beluga and everyone said yes but I said "But they have WHALE SHARKS!" which imo is the coolest thing about the Georgia aquarium. None of them seemed to know exactly what I meant but they were excited by the concept of the words "whale" and "shark" together. (Spoiler alert: The next day they totally went and got pics with the whale shark).

Finally BK asked where people recommended they eat. Someone suggested sushi at first. I thought it was funny to recommend sushi when visiting the US. BK seemed of the same mindset so chicken and waffles came up and Jun loudly said WAFFLES! To which, Wow said in his same dreamy tone "chocolate waffles" and I looked at him and said "chocolate chicken?" embarrassing the HELL out of myself cause everyone was super grossed out by it and making a scene. I hid but my friend said Wow thought it was funny. I think she was trying to make me feel better.

So the item signing time comes up. My DUMB ASS forgot my album at home so the day before I had gone on a panicked shopping spree and decided on a pot for my cactus.

Chan was up first as usual. He recognized me and asked if I was in Chicago and I said yes! He asked what the pot was and I told him it was for my cactus plant. He was so adorable, while he was signing it he said quietly "grow well." So now it has to. This time he did not do a high five with me.

Next was Donghun. He looked so confused at my pot. I told him it was for my cactus and he just kinda nodded. It was very quiet because I had tried to learn a short phrase for him in korean but I got too nervous and I couldn't say it. I just thanked him. I'll have to keep practicing.

Jun was next and also asked me if I had been in Chicago and thanked me for coming again. I told him it was my last stop but I knew they would keep doing amazing. He asked about the pot and said it was so cute and signed super big. He shook my hand.

BK was next and he complimented my lips again. I asked him if he liked the green or blue better and he said both were good. He asked about the pot and signed it for me, he said it was cute and he liked it. He high fived me when it was time to move on.

WOW. AGAIN. okay so he asked about the pot and I said it was for my cactus and he mimed planting a cactus while looking up at me and I nodded while melting cause he is SO GODDAMN CUTE OKAY. Then while he was signing it I worked up my courage cause I had tried to learn a phrase for him as well BUT I MESSED UP I MESSED UP SO BAD IT WAS BAD OKAY. He was so confused and thank GOD the interpreter was right there and she asked "what are you trying to say" and she helped me say it. I was SO EMBARRASSED I had practiced so much and was saying it SO WELL up until that moment. Once I managed he smiled and said I did good then took my hand and said something which the interpreter translated for me and I just grabbed my heart with my free hand and then had to just cover my face I couldnt handle it. Walking away was hard but staying was harder.

Of course that just put me back in my seat directly in front of him.

Dont judge me, but I was trying to say, "You're so awesome it makes my heart hurt." And his response was "Then I'll prescribe you some medicine" and I KNOW its cheesy and overdone but I wanted that moment once for me so I took my chance. Anyway I looked like a damn fool but it was over.

The last dumb thing I did as the signing went on cause we kept making random eye contact and I got self conscious of always looking away. One of the times Wow and I met eyes I winked and shot finger guns and his eyebrows raised ever so slightly and I wanted to sink into the floor and die so I hid my face again. He looked so surprised like what WAS I THINKING WHY DID I DO THAT AAAAAAAA.

Anyway.

Here's my cute cheap pot!

Next was pictures. This time I had a plan. I asked them to pose ugly with me. They were surprised and asked for clarification twice, BK even asked me in english and I said "yes, ugly faces. If you can! If it's even possible." I wonder if it's the first time theyve ever been requested to do that. Anyway that's gonna be my thing too with the punny fan from now on. They did their best and it's absolutely adorable. Afterward BK walked up to me and wanted to see the pictures I took so I showed him. After he walked away it occured to me how fun and casual that was, that he just came over to look at pics together. I love this boy so much damb.

The atlanta show was amazing but the stage was so high up and far away there was no direct interaction possible. They made up for it with even more interaction! BK and Donghun each danced with me. I made a heart with my friend and Chan winked and laughed cause it looked like she begrudgingly made the heart with me when in reality she just couldnt hear me and couldnt tell what I was asking. Wow played a heart escalating game with me and he won so I made a dumb cute face and he laughed.

At hi touch I was determined not to miss Wow again. The order was the same except Donghun and Chan switched. I told them they did really amazing, a great show! Then BK said "Best lips!" To me and I got so excited but still didnt want to miss Wow, I loudly repeated "Best Lips!" While making eye contact and high fiving this poor man so hard, then for Jun I said "Don't forget!" And he was just so unprepared for me because I was unprepared for me but I WAS SO HYPED UP I LOST MY LAST BRAINCELL ITS STILL IN ATLANTA GUYS ITS GONE FOREVER.

So anyway that was a lot of unnecessary details about my specific adventures with A.C.E and I loved them so much and maybe one person will read this and smile but mostly I just want to try and remember as much detail as possible. I'll add things as I remember if I forgot something. Anyway dont be like me hahahaHAHAHA.

Also highkey if BK or one of the boys ends up with a bold lipstick color for a comeback or promotions in the next year or so I'm taking full credit.

[fluffychubbyrose]

Fili x Bashful Chubby Reader. 1/?

Warnings- Slight gore and Fili from the hobbit may be more oc than some readers would like. First time writing a hobbit fanfic. Sorry if I make any mistakes on places, names, roles ect.

Shout out to @findingmyselfalone for the request! Thank you, and I hope this lives up to your hopes for this fic! I apologize more than you know for how long it has taken me to write this fic and I'm so sorry for the long wait. I've been so busy and haven't had much time to work on it, but here it is and I hope you like it!

(I of course do not own The Hobbit an Unexpected Journey, or the characters from the hobbit. Nor do I own the pictures below.)

P.s. to clear up any confusion about knowing Bilbo Baggins since him and the reader where children is because the reader is half hobbit and half human while five foot is tall for a hobbit it's normal height for a human woman. I'm prolonging the meeting between Radagast and Gandalf so they're still riding/traveling through the mountains for a while before they meet and face the giant spiders.

Gandalf recruited me to join the company for my skills as a herbalist. I was reluctant and nervous at first when he explained that I would be accompanying thirteen dwarves, himself and Bilbo. I was unsure about traveling with thirteen men I've never met before and trusting them to protect me and in turn I treat their wounds and give them medical care when needed. I was undecided still because I had planned on opening up my own herbalist shop soon, but when the place I was going to buy was bought out from under me before I had enough coin, I figured a little bit of adventure would be a good distraction from this devastating disappointment.

Luckily do to having to travel long distances to get specific ingredients to treat different ailments, I'm well equipped in travel and my black female clydesdale named Midnight is used to heavy loads and long cold roads. I'm far to tall and big to ride a pony plus she's able to carry all of my supplies and my weight which is heavier than most women of my age and stature in general. I packed her up with all the essentials I'd need for basic ailment treatments such as colds and wound care so nothing gets infected. Along with other basic necessities such as changes of clothes, my bed roll, blankets, and preserved foods enough for a month's ration including breads and the ingredients and supplies to make bread if we get the time while traveling. I also have a few pounds of various smoked meats, jams, and pickled vegetables.

Even though Gandalf assured me there would be plenty of food and to not worry about bringing any of my own, I'm used to packing food just in case I want a quick meal while collecting herbs, that way I have it with me, so by now it's habit and I won't go without being prepared just in case. After a short ride I arrived at Bilbo Baggins house and tied my horse to a tree. "Stay girl I'll be back by dawn." I've been friends with the hobbit for a long while. His mother was a like a sister to my mother, and in turn we were around each other a lot.

He knows how shy I am around new people, hell it took me a year to be comfortable and confident enough to be true to myself around the sweet mannered hobbit when we where children, and my shyness hasn't improved at all over the years if anything it's worsened. I know he has to be dreading some, if not all of these dwarves arrival so I cant help but think the worst. Lost in my thoughts I didn't notice Bilbo suddenly open the door. "Oh hello miss Y/n, I hope you weren't waiting out in the cold for long. Please, hurry inside." Bilbo lead me inside with a sigh.

"Hello Bilbo do you need any help with anything for the guests." "How did you know? What is going on here, and yes there's two men here I have never meet before and they said they expected food and lots of it. So um if you want to start cooking for me in the kitchen that way I keep an eye on the uninvited guests that would be a great help, if you wouldn't mind." " No not at all that's why I asked, and what do you mean. Gandalf said he was getting people together for an adventure, he said it was going to be him, you, me and thirteen dwarves." "Thirteen?!!" "Yes? Were you not informed about this and that we where supposed to meet here?" "No, I was not informed in the slightest." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like me to leave?"

"Oh no please stay and help me with them, the two dwarves who are currently here are rading through my pantry looking for food." "Well everything I need should be in the kitchen so I'll just sneak in there and start cooking for everyone, seeing as you weren't expecting any guests tonight so you didn't get to prepare for their arrival." "Oh, thank you miss Y/n that helps a lot." "Your welcome Bilbo." As I was about to head off to the kitchen I can hear the commotion coming from the dining room, no wonder he looks so stressed sounds like there's some bears in there instead of dwarves.

I enter the kitchen missing Bilbo trying to turn away the two dwarve princes and failing, ending up with them shoving past him into the house. It took me two hours but everything was done cooking besides the rolls and a few things need to be heated up a little more or reheated. The whole time I was cooking there was all kinds of commotion coming from the other rooms I'm assuming everyone has finally arrived. As I was getting ready to bring the food out to the dining room to be served up I hear singing. I waited and listened as best I could to the merry tune until the singing was done and then started to load dishes up onto trays, there was three in total and each tray was heavy but not overwhelmingly so.

I grabbed the first tray and started heading towards the dining room, I was shaking slightly and flushed from nerves. There was conversations throughout the room but when I walked through the door all went silent and I started to shake a little harder and it felt like my face was engulfed in flames. Trying not to let their stares get to me anymore than they already have, I started putting the dishes onto the table. I quickly exited the room without a word and avoiding eye contact with everyone. Once I reached the kitchen I let out a series of shaky breaths and grabbed another tray.

'Come on Y/n it's nothing you haven't dealt with before, you can do this. Your going to have to travel with them for a few months, so you need to get used to them being around sooner rather than later.' I can hear the conversation start back up, and when I neared the dining room again I could hear that the conversation was about me, they where mentioning my name but I couldn't make out what was being said. 'Oh no not already, I was hoping they wouldn't react like this about me and my weight.' I sigh more anxious than ever and when I come in the room this time I'm startled and surprised to be bombarded with questions from the thirteen new comers.

"Your going to be traveling with us lass?" "Should a fine thing like yourself really be going on risky adventures?" "How well can you cook?" "Oh do you need help? Let me get that." "Wanna sit next to me?" Everyone was bustling around and asking so many questions I only was able to catch a few of them. The tray I was carrying was taken from my hands before I could give an answer and I was surrounded by dwarves. "I'm Fili this is Kili and that's Dwalin, Balin, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bombur, and the grump over there is Thorin." I was getting overwhelmed.

"Enough, leave her be!" Gandalf raised from his seat and looked over everyone. "Y/n You may seat next to me and Bilbo thank you for making and bringing the food out for our guests." "Yy-our welcome." I stuttered out, looking at my shoes. "There's one more tray of food, I'll get it real quick." I mumbled out turning back around towards the kitchen. "Oh no don't worry about that little one, Bombur go get the last tray of food from the kitchen for miss Y/n. Now sit child." The one dwarf I now know as Bombur hurried off to the kitchen while I took my seat with Bilbo on my left and Gandalf on his left, while on my right was the dwarf who tried to introduced me to everyone by telling me their names and pointing to them, I think he said his name was Fili?

'Yeah that sounds right.' Usually I wouldn't eat in front of new people because I was insecure but I haven't eaten since early afternoon and I'm starved, plus everyone is basically fighting over the food so they won't notice me. I loaded up my plate with some meat, roasted potatoes, a roll, and a slice of the vanilla cake I made. I kept my head down while Bombur placed the last tray in front of me, it was the tray with the cooked vegetables I was about to serve myself some of the boiled green beans when the blonde dwarf next to me gently grabbed my arm. I blushed brighter than a tomato and tried to take my arm back, while also trying to hide my face. "Here let me lass." His hold stayed as he set my arm by my side.

He was dishing up the green beans onto my plate for me. 'What's going on? What do I do?' He let go and gave me sideways glance and smirked at me, then continued to eat his own food like nothing happened. That was my first personal encounter with Fili whom I later found out was a dwarven prince. My first impression of him was that he was nice but a charmer and I wasn't looking to get hurt or humiliated, not again. After I finished my plate full of food I quietly excused myself and went into the kitchen to wash my dishes, and after I was done I went to the spare room I usually stay in when I visit Bilbo locked the door and put on my night clothes and curled up in the bed. 'Tomorrow the adventure starts.' We'll see where I end up from here.

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(Time skip to when the pack pony with almost all of the food got spooked and ran away.)

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After making camp in a dryer spot, still wet but not drenched completely from the rains. We started setting up our beds and a fire, I unpacked the persevered food I had and gave it to Bofur to make dinner for us all with. I took my bed roll and a change of clothes out of the large saddle pack and set the bed roll and clothes in a spot more secluded from everyone but still having light to see from the fire raging in the middle of camp. Now that my bed is set up I walk Midnight to the field with the ponies to graze and rest, then I can change into my dry clothes once I'm away from the rambunctious dwarves. ' I'm so tired, I used to find their loud songs and jokes amusing and pleasant but not when I haven't been able to get more than three hours of sleep in the last five days, I'm tempted to set up my bed roll by the field Midnight will be in, at least she'll be quieter than that lot.'

When I was done setting up my bed roll and finished unpacking Midnignt along with taking her saddle and blanket off, I heard dinner was ready. I ate my share of what I assumed was a type of stew with a side of sliced bread and jam spread on it. When I finished I grabbed my change of clothes and told Bilbo where I was heading and he asked me if I could take Fili and Kili their food so he could eat before there wasn't any left since I had already I ate, and of course I accepted. I simply tied Midnights lead to my waist, tucked my clothes I'm my sachel and carried a bowl in each hand and walked towards the field and pens. When I got there however both brothers where pacing and looked worried. "What's wrong?" I questioned softly.

"Oh um nothing really." Fili grumbled. "Where supposed to be watching over the ponies, and problem is there's supposed to be sixteen." Kili said quickly "But there's only fourteen." Fili sighed. "But don't worry we'll find out what happened to them and get them back." Kili finished. "What?" I gasped, almost dropping there food. Shoving the bowls of food into their chests I turn around and start taking Midnight back to camp. "Wait lass, don't go telling everyone the ponies are missing just yet, I'll get the ponies back no worries. Me and Kili saw a fire farther up into the valley, were certain that's where the ponies are."

I walked closer to camp with Midnight in tow, Fili grabbed my arm "Please lass I'm begging ya." I shook his arm off and he gave me a hurt look while I just walked her to a tree far away from the others so she would be safe. "I wasn't going to, but I think it would be a better idea to have everyone confronting these thieves." I muttered quietly. "Yes but Thorin would have my head over this, I'd never hear the end of it." "Y/n? Y/n? Are you still over here?" Bilbo shouted. "Oi she is." Kili yelled back. Soon Bilbo came out of the treeline. "Why didn't you come back to the camp? Are you trying to find herbs up here or are those two keeping you?"

"Oh good, as our official burglar, Daisy and Bungo are missing. We thought you might want to look into it." "Wait, um okay. Well it looks like something big uprooted these trees. Something very big and possibly quite dangerous." Bilbo said sounding distraught and startled. "Hey there's a light. Over here." He waved me and Kili over. "Stay down." Kili whispered. As we neared the source of the light we can hear laughter and some sort of being talking. "What, what is it?" Bilbo asked. "Trolls." was all Kili growled out making us all fall silent. Kili jumped over the fallen tree we where behind and started running towards the light source Fili ran after him, so I followed.

Bilbo went back and retrived their food they left behind before catching up to us but before he reached us a troll came out of the treeline carrying two of the ponies. Fili grabs me and pushes me down further behind the fallen tree we where hiding behind. Bilbo and Kili are behind their own tree's not to far away. The troll was walking towards where the fire is holding the two ponies under his arms. "Well that confirms that it was in fact a troll who stole our ponies, now how do we get them back undetected." Fili whispers. "He has Minty." Bilbo hisses. The troll stops and looks at our log.

Fili grabs me around my waist his hand on my soft belly and pulls me close, I'm basically nestled into his side trying to hide from the troll. I feel like my face is on fire, I gulp and try to wiggle away. "Stay still lass or he'll find us." He hissed barely audible at me. Trying to be quiet, when he looked at me and noticed my embarrassment and discomfort and yet he just smirked slightly. The troll lost interest and walked away out of site with the ponies. The coast was clear but Fili hadn't let go. He stands up taking me with him, his hand falling to my hip and giving it a slight squeeze. Bilbo clears his throat making Fili let go of me, but my blush won't fade. I have my head lowered and fiddle with my hands trying to look anywhere but the men around me, thoroughly embarrassed.

"We have to do something." Bilbo whisper shouts. "Yes you should, Mountian trolls are slow and stupid, and your so small they will never see you. It's perfectly safe, and we'll be right behind you." Kili announced clapping Bilbo on his back. "Yes and if you run into trouble whoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl." Fili finished pushing Bilbo towards the path to the trolls campsite. Fili turns around facing me and says. "Okay Y/n I need you to stay put right here so you can go and alert the others in case we need help, and if and when you do I want you to get your horse and take off for cover a ways away from camp staying safe until we come find you." "But I can help. I can stay hidden and safe but have your backs as well by shooting my bow from behind the cover of the tree's." I argued quietly and meekly. "Y/n lass I'd rather you be far away from the trolls, and the fight between us and them if it comes to that, so there's no way you can possibly get hurt."

"Alright that's fine I guess. When do I know if I need to get the others for help?" I questioned softly and unsurely. "We'll yell for ya to go get Thorin and everyone if it turns bad." Kili said. "Now go and get your horse then come back to us but don't get to close, only close enough to hear us yell and then ride your horse as fast as possible to Thorin and the company. After that you need to go hide away at a safe distance where the trolls won't be able to find ya. Got that lass?" Fili finished giving me a stern and slightly concerned look. "Yeah." I sighed out and turned around and started walking back towards Midnight.

'I'll help by getting Thorin and the company, but I won't go run and hide. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to come on this adventure.' Set with my decision I started to plan what I was going to do to help if a fight breaks out. 'I can't exactly run in there with a sword and start swinging like the dwarves will. I'm not skilled in swordsmanship at all, but I can shoot my bow and arrow and almost never miss.' 'If I can get on top of one of the ridges or hills of the valley close and above the trolls I'll have the best shot and chance of doing any real damage to the massive creatures.' I made sure the remaining ponies where saddled and loaded up with all their supplies and that they all had leads on so if need be I can attach them six together and then attach six to each side of Midnight and run them and myself to a safer location.

Soon after I retrieved Midnight I lead her back up to camp and packed everything up and saddled her and her packs up and was almost unnoticed but of course Thorin saw and walked up to me. "What are you doing lass? Shouldn't she be out in the pasture with the ponies grazing and resting. Unless there's something wrong that your not telling me?" "Trolls took four of the ponies and now Bilbo is trying to get them back from them undetected and Fili and Kili are waiting by in case he needs help."

I squeaked out so quickly I was stammering over my words and jumbling them together. Thorin let out a deep sigh pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Well where just going to have to go and see if they do indeed need our help taking down these trolls, which I'm sure they do by now." "Come everyone and bring your weapons we have some trolls to slay tonight!" He yelled with confidence and conviction in his voice not a worry in the world about defeating these trolls.

After they raced of out of sight I finished packing up Midnight and rode towards the trolls camp, going a longer way to get up on a hill behind them. When I reached them and had a clear view it was a terrifying scene. The trolls had every single dwarf in burlap sacks up to there neck some where in a pile while the others where tied onto a roasting stick above a huge campfire being turned by one of the trolls. Bilbo was in a sack as well but he was standing and talking to the trolls. 'This is bad, very bad. What am I supposed to do now? Maybe I can shoot and aim for there eyes and redirect their attention towards me.'

I aim for the troll who started yelling something all Bilbo as he stomps towards him and the dwarves. 'Here goes nothing.' It was a perfect shot the arrow pierced the trolls eye. "Yes!" I whispered excitedly. The trolls screaming stumbling back holding his hands over his eye, the other two race up and huddle around him trying to help the other troll.

The trolls are still distracted but I know it won't last long so I shoot another arrow into the side of another trolls eye, he screams in agony and cups his face like the first. The third troll looks towards me on the hill yells something unintelligible and launges towards my hiding spot I shoot fast and miss. I shoot again and it's another miss he's almost reached me I shoot one last time and this time I puntured one of his eyes so he's blinded and distracted as well.

The third troll although partially blind is still reaching and climbing towards me. 'Time to go!' I hop on Midnight and I'm about to race off towards the other side of the hill when I hear a shout "The dawn will take you all!" 'Gandalf?' I whip my head around trying to find where he is or at least where the voice was coming from. The giant boulder to my left cracks in half and the sun from dawn shines onto the trolls turning them into stone I look on top of the boulder and there stands Gandalf. The dwarves all shout with joy at being saved.

I smile and look down towards the dwarves and start taking Midnight down the hill towards them. Once I'm down I dismount and started untying the dwarves on the ground while Gnadalf puts out the fire and unties Bilbo they start untying the dwarves on the make shift roasting stick.

Each dwarf said their thanks as I finished untying them one by one until the last dwarf to untie was Fili I was hoping one of the others would untie him because I already know he's going to be angry with me for staying and fighting in my own way when he told me to leave and hide. "So lass you where the one shooting the arrows I presume?" "Yes." I mumbled softly while untying him. Once he was free he stood with a frown on his face and signed out his nose. "I recall telling you to stay as far away as possible." "You did but if it's in my power to help then I will." I said softly but with conviction in my voice.

"That's fine and understandable when your life wasn't in danger that troll almost reached you, if Gandalf arrived and cracked that boulder even a minute later who knows what that troll would have done Y/n! You could have been killed!" His voice slowly raised and everyone was discretely listening in and watching. "So could have all of you. I'm fine and so is everyone else, I can handle myself if you didn't notice." I whisper shouted with my face heating from anger and embarrassment of being treated like I'm some foolish child. I walked off towards Midnight.

"Gandalf I'm going to retrieve the rest of the ponies I'll be back please await my return." I said meekly. "Of course child we'll be here but then we need to head off again." "Figured as such." I rode off upset and frustrated. 'I know I put myself in danger but I had no choice I wasn't going to stand by while they where possibly getting killed, or worse eaten. I thought Fili would have been at least a little bit nicer or happy that I could protect myself.' I sigh sadly and break midnight into a gallup from a trot. It didn't take me very long to reach the ponies I attach six to each side like I prepped for and start trotting them back towards everyone at the trolls camp. When I arrived Fili and Thorin where arguing.

"Thats just isn't how you go about things, I raised you better than that, and you know how to start a courtship! If your interested then start one instead of trying to boss your interest around it won't work you'll only drive them further away." Fili was about to retort but when I can into view all went silent and instead he stormed off towards the other ponies that where stolen. 'What was all that about? Why was Thorin lecturing Fili on courting? Does he have a love interest?'

My sour mood worsened slightly. 'I wonder who the lucky lady is? I knew I shouldn't have fathomed the idea of us two, it was just a silly crush there's no way a prince would be interested in a half blooded hobbit if how he treats Bilbo is any indication of how much he likes us hobbits.'

"Trolls can't travel in day light so there must be a cave near by." Gandalf announced. 'I guess that's where we'll be heading.' We rode for a short ways and where nearing the trolls cave. Once we arrived at the trolls cave the dwarves tied the ponies while I tied Midnight so they won't wander or get spooked off. Once they entered the cave a pungent smell wafted up reaching my nose from outside where I'm watching over the ponies and Midnight even from afar it was horrendous. "Whats that stinch?" One of the dwarves asks speaking my exact thoughts. "Its a troll horde, be careful what you touch." There conversation dwindles down and the further they go the less I can hear.

"Well girl I guess it's just you me and the ponies." I say as I reach into a pack and start checking her over one of her shoes came undone and her hooves need to be trimmed down some I haven't had much of a chance to tend to her hooves lately. 'Sorry my sweet girl.' I'll check the ponies hooves once I'm done with Midnight though they don't have shoes on so I'm assuming as long as there's no cracks or splitters anywhere on them they shouldn't need any work done like the annual trimming Midnight requires. I gave her some grain as a snack before I start working on her feet so she doesn't get moody with me.

By the time I trimmed and put new shoes on all four of Midnights hooves they dwarves emerged from the cave Thorin first looking incredibly angry and then the others followed last to come out of the cave was Bilbo carrying what looked with him holding it a half sword but I'm certain that its a dagger. 'Strange Bilbo would never use a weapon or even think of it, I wonder why he has that?' I'll check the ponies hooves this evening when there put in a pasture to eat and rest. "Alright let's head off where wasting daylight!" Thorin shouted. I pet Midnight as I untie her and put her reigns on packing the lead away, I then mount her stearing her towards the others whom have just finished mounting their ponies and horse as well.

Gandalf and Thorin lead the way from the cave back towards our route. I stayed behind the others still upset from what happened and what I over heard earlier that morning. We rode for hours until it was almost dusk and then Gandalf called for us to setup camp I walked Midnight to the makeshift enclosed pasture after I unloaded her of her packs and saddle except two with my change of clothes the necessities to bathe and my equipment for the ponies hooves at the stream near the pasture. I also left her saddle blanket on because it's been getting really chilly at night even though her breed is built for the cold I still worry. After she was settled with the others I went and started to check everyone's hooves before I'd bathe, they tolerated me messing with there feet well and only the two pack ponies needed some splitters filed away which only took a moment.

"Y/n I'm plenty capable of watching over the ponies and Midnight despite what happened last night, should rest lo-lass." He stuttered and a blush tinted his ears. 'What was he about to say? Sounded like he was going to call me love. But that can't be true.' I flushed slightly. "I know you can but, I wanted to check everyone's hooves and bathe by the creek." The last words coming out no louder than a meek whisper, though Fili clearly had no trouble hearing what I said by the full flush crawling up his face. He coughed "Well um alright I'll go back to camp and make sure no one bothers you, I'll come check on you periodically by calling your name from behind the tree cover over there alright, but if you don't respond back I'm coming over here and looking for ya alright lass?"

"Yeah that's fine." I squeaked out, avoiding his gaze and grabbing the packs off of Midnight as Fili walked back towards camp once he's out of view I lay a blanket down and wrap another around my shoulders and strip of my clothing using the cloth and soap I have to wash up the waters to cold to be submerged in the water fully or even partly. ' It feels so good to scrub all the dirt, sweat, and grime off its been awhile since I last bathed I know I must reak.' I sigh blissfully even though I'm freezing at least I'm getting clean.

I scrubbed my entire body except the hard to reach parts on my back, I first pulled any debris out of my hair and comes through it with my hands then I had to bend down my belly squishing up against my chubby thighs in order to wash the dirt and grease out of my hair in the creek. The bubbling creek was soothing and calming even as cold as it was, I looked around my surroundings again before dipping my whole head under to wash all the soap away. I repeated this several times until I was certain my hair was grease and grime free, yanking my head up the last time making my hair fling back I gasped in a breathe winded from the cold water.

I screamed and covered myself when a hand landed on my bare shoulder only my legs and thighs exposed until I curled them under myself and curled up into myself slightly trying to hide myself. "Y/n lass, calm down it's just me Fili I called three times and you didn't answer I didn't mean to frighten ya but you frightened me by not answering." I peaked up at Fili my face and chest flushed. I mumbled a few incoherent words, not be able to respond because of my embarrassment. 'I can't believe Fili just saw me so exposed like this, he's probably disappointed with what he saw.' "If your done washing up, and once your finished getting dressed as an apology for frightening you and be so hard on ya this morning, I'll braid your hair for you once you are done." He mumbled out with his own embarrassment showing on his face though he had a dazed expression. He walked a ways a away so I could have some privacy.

I dressed quickly I was finished bathing anyways though the interuption destroyed the calmness I was feeling it was now replaced with anxious embarrassment my heart is racing uncontrollably and my hands are shaking as I dress and put my socks and shoes on. 'I can't believe I didn't hear him call not even once, I knew he would check up on me why didn't I listen for him, it's my fault.' I packed up the dirty clothes and hung up the wet blankets so they could dry and I'll wash the clothes later. I walked towards the middle of the field where Fili was sitting with his back facing me playing with something in his hands, with the last dry blanket I had was wrapped around my shoulders.

"You never did answer if you would accept my apology by braiding your hair for you. You don't have to accept Y/n if you don't want to." "No it's alright I accept your apology and if you want I wouldn't mind you braiding my hair." I mumbled looking at my feet on dew damp grass. "Well then sit down in front of me lass." I sat down partly on my blanket as to not sit on the damp grass and get my clothes damp. I handed him my brush and tie, pulling the blanket tighter around myself still cold and embarrassed. He brushed through my hair and combed through it with his fingers if I didn't know any better I'd say he was playing with my hair, either way it felt nice I was leaning into his touch subconsciously.

He started to braid my hair in an interact design putting in small colored ribbons and dwarven embroidered metal clasps here and there. When he finished I was disappointed because I was enjoying the affectionate jester and knew that this would likely not happen again. "There you go, all done. Now before we go back to camp and get some rest since it's Kili's turn to watch over the ponies for sure by now. Let's eat, I know you left before the food was ready and if I didn't bring any down here away from those lot there wouldn't even be a drop of food left for ya."

He finished lifting up his spare coat that was lying on the grass showing two big bowls of stew and a whole loaf of bread. I turned around so I was facing Fili and just looking at the food made me realise how hungry I really was, my stomach growled loudly. I blushed and put my head down muttering a small "Thank you." "Your welcome Y/n but it was no problem really the hard part was sneaking a whole loaf of bread away." He said with a hearty chuckle handing me the stew after he tore the loaf of bread in half and set it in the bowl. He dug right in, I looked at him with appreciation and a goofy smile on my face and then started eating. 'Today wasn't so bad after all.'

[pbandjesse]

The end of today did not go as planned. And that sucks. Because the beginning was nice.

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night. But once i was asleep it was good rest. James woke up at 7 and got ready for work. I half dozed but couldn't get up. He said goodbye to me and headed out. And i laid in bed a while longer.

I got up around 9. Cleaned myself up and got dressed. Had a Rice Krispy. Tidied up James's room a bit. And went home. Took my wagon back with me.

I got back to my apartment. I pet sweetp. Let him run around outside. Fixed my makeup. Did a little packing. Then headed out.

I took the blue line down over to brewers hill to go to a few stores. It was a first time trying to go there not in a car. And it went well! I didnt get lost at all and i had a lot of fun. Singing and walking and looking around. It was good.

I went to five below first. But didnt find what i wanted. So over to target. I tried on some stuff and got a great shirt and that beautiful dress in the picture above. Makes me feel tall.

I had fun walking around target. And then next store to Michael's. Where I found the stickers I needed. With a coupon even!

I went to five guys and while the food was good I almost threw up when I was done and I have no idea why!! It was upsetting.

But I shook it off. Went over to the pet store but they didn't have the food I wanted so I went to find the bus.

I didnt have to wait long. I was confused and thought I missed the bus but I did not! And was able to go down to thr harbor and see James and bring him fries.

There were way to many people in the harbor. But it was nice to see my favorite boyfriend.

We talked for a while. And then i headed home.

Or at least I tried too!!! I wait for a half hour for the bus but because of a festival I was trapped. And got more and more upset. And I scratched the backs of my ears raw. And I was just really really distressed.

I walked 3 more stops to get to a different bus. And finally for back to my neighborhood.

I went to the art store and got paper. And pretty blue spray paint. And went home. I had to go back to the art store because i cpuldnt get the spray paint to work but the girl fixed it and I got to paint my bike a pretty new color.

I took a shower and watched some tv. I had half a headache but I was getting better. Me and James were supposed to dinner. But while I was waiting for him, in rite aid buying cat food, he called me completely distressed.

Someone had stollen his bike. His most treasured possession. And he was just losing it. I didnt know what to do. But I didn't want him to be alone. He was finding security footage (cant see their face), talking to police (cant do anything), and blaming himself (it is not his fault at all). But i ran home and fed sweetp and grabbed a bus and went to be with my boy.

I caught up with him near constellation. He was just so empty. We sat and talked a little. Im just trying to give him all the support i can. But hes so heartbroken. This bike meant a lot to him. Hes had it since high school. It represented a lot of milestones and its just not replaceable.

It breaks my heart to see him in so much emotiobal pain. But im here for him. We walked home. And he took a shower. And hes making something to eat now.

We have the day off tomorrow. We were going to bike but obviously. Cant do that anymore. But hopefully we'll still do a nature based thing. But i just want to be with him. I love him so very much and I want to help him anyway i can. Even if its just being here.

I hope you are all okay out there. Sleep well. Take care of eachother. Talk to you tomorrow.

[tegwin]

The Counterfeit - Chapter Seven

So.. Valentines Day. The big day. But, no Valentines Dinner for Grace and James, since Grace has to work, to make Valentines Day a happy day for other people. That´s unfortunate, don´t you think? Maybe there´s a way for the young love to have a dinner or a picnic even if Grace has to work on Valentines Day. I´m sure James will be smart enough to find a way.

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"Oh, and I should tell you from Hannah, you should  take a look in on number three. She says she´s got a problem with the Manet man." Amy told me casually, as I was already there stuffing my last things in my purse. I looked up from it. "What kind of problem?" I asked. "James been quite tame those last weeks. I thought he wasn´t making anymore trouble.". Amy shrugged. "This time he obviously does. But who knows. Maybe he found a new color on the Manet he didn't saw before and just fainted!" she joked. "Or he crept so close to the painting that he was drawn into it!" She laughed shrill over her own joke. "And you must go and free him, cause he cant get out on his own."she sang. "Because your his fairy godmother!". I grabbed a box of tissues and threw it into the direction of her head. "That´s just crap!" I said. "Which is your favorite thing to say, by the way!" Amy squealed. Whereby she was right, which I had to admit.  "I'm on my way now." I informed her. "And I'll find out what´s wrong with James.". "You do that. And I´m going to clear everything off. Then you don't have to that later on." Amy chirped cheerfully.��"Have fun then."she called after me and let her eyebrows suggestively bounce up and down. "Have Fun?" I wondered. And while still going out I saw Amy who suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth. Like as if she would have said something she wasn't supposed to say. So something was not right. And Amy knew exactly what it was,  but would not tell me though. She had, however, almost betrayed her promise. I wondered for about two seconds if I should turn round and go back and ask Amy. But then I decided rather see immediately after James. Whatever it would be what Amy was careful to hide I knew that in a brief moments time I´d knew it too. 

 When I arrived at room three, or number three, as we used to call it, the door of the passage was closed and Hannah was standing right before it. "Hannah?" I wondered. "What's the matter?". She said nothing, but just stood stiffly in front of the closed door. "Has he made any nonsense?" I asked, now seriously alarmed. Abruptly the thing that Amy had said earlier went through my head. That James had come too close to the Manet. Maybe this was not to far fetched. Perhaps he had really come too close to the canvas and now it was damaged. Wich was why Hannah had locked him in the hall. Because she knew that I loved James. Perhaps to let me see the damage first, to see if I could do anything to even it out. In the hope that this way we could save James life. Or ... Was there another alternative? Anything else that could have gone wrong? "Hannah, what's wrong?" I asked breathlessly. She took a deep breath in and let it back out. Then she said: "I can´t tell you that I´m afraid. I was just told to wait for you to come." I frowned. "That's not very helpful." I commented. Hannah grinned. "Just go in, then you´ll see.". I tilted my head. "Does that mean he hasn´t damaged the Manet?" I asked because the fear inside was still eating me up. Hannah giggled, but fought it down it again. "You're afraid that its about the Manet?" she chuckled. "Believe me when I say that´s got nothing to do with the Manet. The Manet's all right.". Phew! I breathed. It was not about the Manet. "Hmmmm .. But if it's not about Manet, why are you standing here like as if you're supposed to be guarding something?". Hannah grinned slightly. "Just go inside. Then you'll see." she said. I stepped closer to the door and had already placed my hand on the door handle. Then I looked back at Hannah. "Do I want to?" I asked hesitantly. Hannah nodded seriously. I straightened my form and breathed deeply again. Then I opened the door.

 The room was bathed in dim light. Which was why I stopped and took a few seconds to find my way around. I had never seen the room in that light. Usually the rooms  in the gallery were illuminated with bright white light to get even the last detail out of each painting. Startled, I looked around. "There you are at last." I heard James's husky voice. It came from the bench that stood near his favorite picture. Almost exactly in front of the  Manet. "James!" I said and walked shakily towards him. Still, I was afraid that something bad might have happened. Who knew that. If it wasn´t about the Manet, maybe it was another painting that had been damaged. Anything was possible. As my eyes became accustomed to the half light I saw on the bench a red-white checkered table cloth. On a it stood picnic basket and two plates, silverware, and a vase with a single rose. "Anything is possible." I whispered surprised. "Even if it is not about a painting". "What are you saying?" James asked, I heard the faint laughter in his voice. "Nothing .. I just thought." I looked up at him and squinted my eyes to see him clearer in the dim light. "Hannah stood guard outside and Amy told me to come here. Because you'd make trouble. And I thought that you and Manet.". I broke off. "I would have stolen the Manet and Hannah would have caught me red-handed?". His eyes sparkled. "Maybe not stolen. But I thought something like that would have happen. I thought that maybe the picture ..." I trailed off again. I was terrible ashamed about what I had thought him capable of. How could I have only ever been able to assume that James, who was so fond of art, could possible destroy or harm any of those treasures?

 I looked ashamed at my feet, while I heard James chuckle with delight. "You thought I had damaged the picture!". He was amusing himself. "And I sat all the time in here and waited and feared, Hannah would look so sternly that you would be horrostrucken and you wouldn't come at all." He took me by the arm. "I thought I had it all dragged here for nothing.". He pointed with one hand on the table, or rather the covered seat. "You have organized a picnic." I said softly. "Yes, for Valentine's Day.". "But today it´s not Valentine's Day yet." I noticed critical. "Yes, I know. But I thought since you are not free on Valentine's Day and I´m busy later on we just have our date right now and here. Otherwise I´m afraid I have not chance to have a real one with you. Because even though I love spending my lunch breaks with you, Fish n´Chips and Burgers don't count as a date. At least not for me." he said. "Or do you beg to differ?" I did not answer. "We don't have to if you don't want to." he said sounding worried now.  "I just thought, since you are really busy and I am too and we don't have time to go somewhere, we might have our date right here and right now. So instead on going on a date, the date comes to us. Kind of." He looked at me expectantly. "But.. it´s not allowed." I said meekly and immediately it struck me as something terrible dumb to say. How could anyone be that idiotic? James organized a great surprise and a picnic and all I knew to say to that was to quote the rules! Was that a proper thing to reply to a compliment? "I mean, normally its forbidden to bring food into the rooms." I tried to even my stupid comment out. In the faint light I saw that James bit his lips and nodded seriously. But still his eyes flashed with amusement. Even while he was walking a bit more in the direction of the "table" and seemed to pick up the stuff that was lying on there. "And since you are the one that works here as a museums educations officer you are right." he took my answer serious. "I think we cannot allow that the paintings are going to be smeared and touched with dirty fingers.". I made a step towards him and punched him soft on the arm to silent and to stop him. "I´m so sorry, its all right. You know, that's just some kind of reflex. If you have to remind people of that all day long, you have a hard time to get out of there. You´d think people would be able to read signs, but no.." I moaned. James laughed. "I know that." he said soothingly. "And usually I stick to those rules. Even just because I know for a fact, that Hannah or even you would throw me out of here, if you´d see me misbehaving. Or just because I couldn't have lunch with you if I´d bee eating the whole day long. But I think," he threw a conspiratorial look towards the passage door behind which I had left Hannah, "For now that's fine. Hannah at least did not say anything as I carried all these things in here.". He sat next to the bank down to the ground. I sat down next to it. "I think she thinks we can behave quite well. And that you do not blot anything I know for sure. Out of experience from our lunch breaks." James chuckled. I grabbed one of the napkins, wrinkled my nose and threw it in his direction.

 "A little more respect if you please." I said. "There are enough people that can see and hear you, James. I hope you are aware of this.". James looked surprised. "Randy." I said and meant a colleague from the guards, who could see the gallery on his screens. When James still did not seem to understand, I pointed to the corner where I knew the cameras where. Even though I could not see it now, I knew that Randy and his colleagues were able to see us. "In every corner there's a camera mounted. You see. And next to the important paintings, such as your personal favorite, there is one too. Randy and his colleagues are probably preparing popcorn right now." I whispered, watching his expression in the little light there was. "Shocking. So did you tell me that, so we can give them a decent show?" James breathed. A wide smile graced his features. "If you want to. I wouldn't say no to that." he added yet. I pushed myself closer to him. "You wouldn't say no?" I whispered, "That sounds rather well behaved and controlled. I think you can do better than just that. Or don't you think?". My hand stroked his thigh. But I only came up to his knee. Shortly after his knee he stopped me. "Slowly. Give an old man time to breathe." James chuckled. "After all, I had to carry tons of stuff. And I had to run around and persuade hell of people.". He looked at me meaningfully. "Old Man!" I snorted. "Oh come on. It couldn't have been so hard to carry this little basket, But if you want to deceive Randy and his friends and if you don´t want to have some fun tonight that's o.k. with me." I shoved away from him in a demonstrative manner. "I definitely will not force you." James said: "I would be deeply sorry to deceive Randy and his friends, not giving them anything to have fun starring at.". He made a pause in which he fished a strawberry out of the basket and ate it slowly. "But, I think Randy is so nice as to not be there at all. If you understand what I mean." he said and licked his fingers. I gasped and stood up, walked over to one of the cameras in the corners. From below I stared at it for a while. There was no red light. I blinked. Checked again. No red light. The cameras were off.  I whirled around. "You mean there's no one here? The cameras are off?" I gasped breathlessly. James just sat there, laid back and a bunch of grapes stopped right before his mouth. He looked up. "Well," he he said and tapped with his free hand to the pillow next to him. "Except you and me of course." he smiled as I sat next to him again. "Grace!" He laughed when he saw the horror in my eyes. "What's going on?". I shook my head. Trying hard to regain control over myself. "Nothing, it's just a weird feeling knowing that the gallery is without any guard and that there's just the two of us." I observed. "This has never happened before. I think.". "And it scares you and now you do regret that you came here." James said. "No, not at all." I blurted out. Then I grabbed one of the strawberries and looked at it thoughtfully. I took a bit  and licked the juice from the fingertips. "To be honest it is better like that. Only the idea that Randy and his friends could see what we would be doing was so putting me of!"  I said and tried to make a happy face, despite the mixed feelings inside of me. I grinned and shook my head to get rid of the discomfort that was fighting against the joy and agitation inside of my chest.  James grinned. "I thought so." he said simply. "And to be honest, I had the same feeling about that.". 

 "And you thought I really would change my mind?". I tilted my head to keep him better in sight while we walked through the corridors and saloons of the gallery. He took a sip from the glass, which he held in his free hand and came to a halt in front of a painting with me at his side, his other hand stroking absent minded over my hip. "Yes, I did. The last moment was when I told you, that the cameras and Randy were off duty. Then  I really thought you'd take you things and leave me straight on." he said and we both turned towards the naked woman who lay stretched out before us. James pointed his glass towards the image. "You have this one in your tour included as well?" he asked. I grimaced. "This one? Never!" I snorted. James pushed out his lower lip. "What a shame." he sighed. "A Shame?". I thought my ears deceived me. "Come on, that's horrible! She´s horrible! Just by looking at her you could say this. The way she lies there. spread out with all her soft white flesh and so ... fat. If her skin tone would be darker, more grayish, she might be mistaken for an elephant!" "Oh .. That´s a bit hard to say, don't you think so?" James asked, looking down at me. "I don't think anyone would like to see this.". "You're sure? Don´t they say, that true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder?And that one can not quarrel about art and taste?" James asked. He took the hand of my hip and moved closer to the painting. "It´s quite..." he whispered. "She´s very pretty.".  "Very pretty! Indeed!" I snorted. James turned to me. "Yes. Just look at her eyes. They are very pretty. They are of a beautiful color and look just how the artist painted the eyelashes. She must have been a real beauty.". He let his fingers remain just in front of the image, where the eyes were to be seen. And then moved them in a line above the eyes  to indicate the line of the lashes to draw attention to that detail. I stepped closer. Saw what he suggested and had to agree. Her eyes were really pretty. Actually, her whole face was pretty. With the large soft brown eyes, perky little nose and the light blushed cheeks and a few freckles . "True enough." I admitted reluctantly. James gave a little cry of triumph. "But because of that naked ass, that she shoves into the beholders face no one will notice her beautiful face!" I added dryly. "Yu had to say that." he teased. I snuggled back into his arm and pulled him away from the fat lady on the picture. "Maybe?" I said vaguely, holding up my face towards him, so that he could kiss me. "You smell good and you taste good." he said wistfully after the kiss. I brushed a strand of hair from his face. "That´s good, is it?" I asked cheekily. He rubbed his nose against my forehead. And fell silent for a while. "I don't know yet." He then said thoughtfully as he pulled me closer to him. "Wouldn´t you agree we should put the glass somewhere where it´s safer?" I suggested. "We don't want it to fall out of you hand by accident and smash on the floor, so that someone might notice it in the end the next morning and we´re discovered.". He kissed me again. "Afraid to get in trouble?" he asked. "A little bit maybe.". He looked down at me from above. "If you ask me I´d prefer to get to a more comfortable environment anyway.". He looked at his wristwatch. "We cant stay much longer anyway. I could persuade Randy only to give us till midnight. And after that we would have either to pay with a good show or to try and sneak out of here." he mumbled. I laughed. "Until midnight." I said. "Yes. Then Randy start his shift, and we need to sneak out here.". "Midnight and sneak out. This is worse than a fairy tale.". James leaned down to me. "Who knows, maybe this is a fairy tale?" he whispered close to my lips. "And you're Prince Charming?" I asked, eyeing his broad slightly chubby face with the square forehead. For a while we kissed again. Then he said, "Sure, why not? Or you're in doubt?".